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August 30, 2005

My Submission for Neo Orleans

First I'd like to say that the events surrounding the hurricane this week were(are) very tragic we don't intend this to make light of the humanitarian situation at all. There is no nice way to say it, but New Orleans is, quite literally, up shit creek without a paddle. Getting straight to the point: They should bail on New Orleans, and build Neo Orleans as a floating megacity on Lake Pontchartrain....

As of Tuesday, 80% of the city is underwater, their levees and pumping stations are trashed, and for a city that’s 15 feet below sea level it is real bad news. There is significant structural damage to the buildings, that would require every single building in the city to be inspected and repaired should they even be able to pump the city dry of the dirty sea water, oil, and toxic waste flooding the city. It'll take months before the residence can even attempt to get back to life as usual, and even then almost everything is gone. As rich a history and culture New Orleans had, anyone who's been there can tell you, its not the cleanest best smelling city on earth. Now instead of the streets flowing with urine, vomit, and garbage there is fetid death water, petro-chemicals, toxic waste, and wet garbage. Sometimes you just have to admit defeat and concentrate on what you're going to do next. Chicago only improved after the Great Chicago Fire. The Simpsons picked up Springfield and moved it 5 miles down the road when they became flooded with garbage. In any anime they build Neo Tokyo after Tokyo gets nuked. It's not often (fortunately) that cities get a chance to rebuild themselves from scratch and do things better than before (2-way streets). New Orleans can take the first step and be an example of a future metropolis.

Advantages to floating megacity

Disadvantages

UPDATE 9/2/05
This article was written before it was realized just how bad the refugee situation would become. It wasn't meant to mock, or make light of the subject. If it makes you feel better, I've donated $100 (2 years of ad revenue) towards the relief effort. Seeing how the Red Cross pocketed that $1 billion after 9/11, I chose a different charity that I also used for the tsunami relief. Direct Relief Intl. is a non-profit, non-religious, non-political charity. They have an assload of credentials, you can specify a specific cause for the money to go directly to (ie hurricane katrina), and less than 3% of donations go towards administration cost. I'd encourage you to donate if you haven't.
thanks,
the administration

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August 26, 2005

Colonel Sanders is rolling in his grave

Is it because gas has hit $3.09 here? possibly.. But it's also because a scientist has developed a way to make chicken entirely white meat. It's not as advanced as it sounds, but the process shreds dark meat into a liquid which is then put into a centrifuge. The centrifuge separates the mush into layers of water, fat, and extracted meat essence. The extracted part can then be pumped into molds to become tofu-like "white meat" (in that its no longer dark in color). People say it tastes bland and unappetizing, but what did you think, it was gonna taste better after all that?

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August 25, 2005

Intelligent Design Illustrated

For those of you worried by our secular-leftist liberal-atheist terrorist-femocratic education system teaching the so called "scientific theory" to our impressionable youth, don't worry. The true American patriots are working hard to get more of the one true vengeful God into your children's science classes. If you've noticed the huge gaping cavernous holes in the logic of the Intelligent Design Theory, the angels at Don't Drink The Koolaid have a nice illustrated breakdown with explainations to clear up these contradictions for us so we can go back to our monster truck rallies and disapproving of Will and Grace.

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August 16, 2005

Robotic weight-loss surgery

Surgeons from Stanford Uni's School of Medicine have used robotically controlled instruments to perform a successful stomach stapling surgery. The surgery was performed laparoscopically (through small holes and yes thats the correct spelling) and allowed his tons-of-fun abdomen to be supported cybermechanically instead of by the surgeons strength. If only this option can be added to the sex android advances discussed earlier, you can kill two birds with one sexy/dangerous stone.

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One step closer!

Geeks rejoice, your ultrarealistic pleasure androids are one itsy bitsy step closer, as scientists in Japan (as if you thought anywhere else) have developed a flexible artificial skin that combines pressure and temperature sensors in some creepy looking skin. Eventually advances will require skin to be moisturized to maintain realism, in which case you can finally say "It rubs the lotion on itself, or it gets the hose!"

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August 11, 2005

Can't come to work today, my genes are actin up

Science, in it's eternal quest to take the fun out of life through explanations, has discovered that your genetics can make you prone to hangovers while others can easily build tolerance (drinking more beers than you are years old). Like most genetic research they experimented with fruit flies, and since I also fly around in a jar and lay my eggs on rotting fruit it logically follows that their findings apply to me. While I don't know much about getting flies drunk, I do know that they can be used to power miniature aircraft. Chew on that one for a little.

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